love thoughts

You didn't get me at "hello"

What a love story to be told, 

it didn't start at the situation called "first meet"

it neither started at the first glance,

nor the first smile.

What a love story to be told,

it doesn't grow like what's told in those fairytale books
it neither as sweet as songs that written,
nor the poem.

People may call it ordinary,
yet doesn't mean it's not different from others.
It has its own plot,
its own beginning & its own twists.

It's simple.

Because it doesn't need to entertain people,
it just needs to be real,
to be felt,
and to be kept.

What a love story to be told.

a love letter for you

It's time to decide, not an easy thing to do.

Yet I need to, so do you.

For me it's been a great time lately, I have no regret.

But I know I need to give you space, your own space, your own time.

These days some people say that I should stop, 

I should leave you because you'll never take me the way I am.

But I try to stay and understand you more, which made me being hurt more.

I don't blame you, because I chose to stay.

I chose to believe, I chose to risk my heart, yet I'm happy.

I've been broken several times, but I don't want to give you what's left.

I want to share a good part that I have, with you.

I always think that being apart to you is a hard thing, but it only occurs to me, not you.

But I know we need to learn, both of us need to learn to let God works with His own way, 

in His own time.

I wish you could be the one, but I don't want to let my heart decides.

I want God to take the control for this time.

I don't want to blame anybody, not anymore.

It's not anyone else's fault that we can't be together.

I just want you to simply know, that I'll miss you much but I need to let you go.

Let you find your way, your path.

I don't know if it will end to mine, but I pray the best for you.

I let you see the worst of me, so in case one day I'll become an ugly and annoying person you'll still love me the way I am. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I'm just too naive sometimes to think that fairytale does exist.

I'm sorry for asking you too much.

But now, I'll let you work on your things.

I'll let you convince yourself where your heart belongs to.

I'll let you choose your own happiness,

rather I'm a part of it or not.

This ain't a romantic yet touching love letter, because I just want to be honest.

I don't know if one day we end up together or not,

but I hope the best for you.

for us.

The Time Frame

I think it's time to decide the time frame.

It doesn't feel good when other people say encouragement, you say nothing but asking for more.

But it hurts when you admire her, while I'm trying to catch up.

I don't blame you, it's just I'm tired.

It doesn't feel good when other people support me in every way, you treat me as if I'm never be grateful for what I have.

But it hurts when you show her your best effort, when I'm trying to hold on.

I don't blame you, it's just I'm tired.

Sometimes I just want to say it out loud but then who am I so that I could demand so much?

Sometimes I wish I could understand the way you think and not being too grumble.

But I'm sorry that this is the way I am.

I think it's fair enough for me wishing that you could accept me the way I am, yet too selfish.

I try to accept you, your (terms and) conditions.

Once again I don't blame you, I'm just tired.

"I'm happy"

I'm happy, just don't ask me more.

I'm enjoying the moment, every single day. For the first time after these couples of months, it feels so easy to smile even laugh. I try not to worry about anything, about what will happen tomorrow or about how things will end up. I try to let things happen naturally, the way it is. And amazingly things turn into beautiful sparks, like fireworks which brighten up the night sky. I just want to be positive, at least for this time while everything seems so wonderful.

If people ask why I've been so happy lately, I might say I don't know actually. It might be because of things go right as I planned, or because I have lots of time to spend with my favourite people in good places, or it might be because that one favourite person. Usually people will conclude it's the third reason that takes bigger impact. But at some point I realized, I lost that one favourite person some times ago. Actually it's not that I lost the person, I just lost the feeling of making this person my favourite one.   Most of people might not know that this person let me go first, when I tried to hold on. Maybe that's why at some point I barely feel nothing about this one person, but then I know that I'm happy to know that this one person is doing fine. I know it's too naive, most of the time I'm being too naive.

So that's why I think it's time to just be happy, be free, be thankful. Because sooner or later the rainbow will fade away and there will come another rainy season before the sun shines again.

Cheers :)

in This Story

If you know how hard it is for me to trust,

or if you know how hard it is for me to believe.

But I chose to trust, I chose to believe,

that you might be real.

I don't blame you for what have gone wrong.

I'm trying to let you go,

using the way you asked me.

But as you know,

everything comes to an end,

and I don't know when and how the end will come.

(in this story)

like a star

I no longer have anything to say
All I do is just stand here and wait for you
Wait for you to make up your mind
Because I made mine up, my decision
Not to stop feeling this unrealistic feeling
That one song plays on my playlist over and over again
And it's about you, about us
I wish you could be here
Hold my hand and feel how hard it is
For me not to fall again
For you.

Stronger than it seems

"I am a woman of substance. I might look fragile in appearance but don't try to break my heart. I believe in the magic of love but don't try and play pranks on me. I love your soul deeply but don't try to rip my soul apart by cheating on me. Always remember that if I love you without limitations, I am also strong enough to let you go if you betray me. I will never be a victim but a survivor because I will emerge to be stronger than my suffering." - Aarti Khurana

How if

How if this time I'm the one who's being stubborn?
And how if this time I say I will not fight for it?

Saturday Story

I'm sorry,
I forget how to love.
I'm sorry,
I forget how to be loved like this.
I might not respond it right,
because I forget how to react.
In fact I try.
I try to show you that I care.
I try to show you that this thing going on,
kinda makes me feel happy.
I try to show you
that this time it feels right,
or at least it feels more real.
I try to take a chance,
even it might risked my heart,
to feel the pain one more time.
So if you could feel it,
just don't play with it,
with my heart.
I beg.
Because it won't be as strong as it was,
before some heartbreaks.
I might not the one that you've ever wanted,
we both know it.
But if you decided to try,
let me try to recast what once had been destroyed.
I try to believe,
that it might be true.
I'm sorry,
I just forget how to love,
properly.
just give me time this time :)

Beautiful Thing

Marina Abramovic and Ulay started an intense love story in the 70s, performing art out of the van they lived in. When they felt the relationship had run its course, they decided to walk the Great Wall of China, each from one end, meeting for one last big hug in the middle and never seeing each other again.

At her 2010 MoMa retrospective Marina performed ‘The Artist Is Present’ as part of the show, where she shared a minute of silence with each stranger who sat in front of her. Ulay arrived without her knowing and this is what happened. (-synopsis from http://zengarage.com.au/2013/03/marina-abramovic-and-ulay/ written by Justin Fox)

I now know why they say "silence is gold"

When you can tell thousands words without saying anything

When you feel the warmth of the tears of emotion

When you see someone right in the eyes

and the memories come to you

better or worse

 in silence.

Road to 21

Hey it's December already, time flies too fast. It feels like yesterday when all of us excited welcoming the mysterious 2012. Even sometimes I think of how ridiculous people used to say that this year will be the end of all. LOL. But though I feel blessed this year! Lots of unbelievable things happen like all of sudden in my life. Things that I thought would never happen, things that I could only dreamed of become real and it feels incredibly great yet sometimes I still feel surreal.

To review a bit these past few years have been really amazing, especially this year. I remember back then on the 1st of January when I usually pray and make a wish for the new blessed year, which is in this case 2012, I asked several wishes to God. One of them was I asked God to give me a chance to go to Europe this year (at least before the doomsday) LOL. At that time I thought I just wished for something that won't happen. Even I tried to find the way to make it happen, like I thought should I bargain with my mom and say "mom, since this year I'm gonna be 21 can you just give me the ticket to go to Europe as my present?" but I know it was a stupid idea. But then all I can say is just I AM BLESSED. It's really happening to me, and now here I am studying in Den Haag, Netherlands. I even got the chance to travel to some beautiful countries in Europe. It's just a huge huge blessing for me and I will never stop to thank God how wonderful His plans in my life are.

Like I always say I love December. For me this month is just a month full of happiness. Not only because there's Christmas and New Year celebrations, but also it's my birthday (yeayyy!). I know I'm going to be 21 this year (which is tomorrow), but still I'm really excited for each birthday I have. I know another year added means another year full of blessing. Like most people say 21 is a special age, it's when you transform from a young adult to become an adult, and it's 3 hours more to go for me. There's a point in my life that I don't want to grow up, I want to stay young and I don't have to worry about those 'adult things' because I don't know if I'm ready or not. I think most of people also have these thoughts when they are younger. But during my 'period of being teenager' I learned a lot of things, I found those interesting new stuffs, which makes me feel the curiosity of being an adult. At this point, I'm not saying that I'm 100% ready for those complicated stupid business (that's how I call it) but I feel challenged and that's what makes me keep believing that no matter what I won't ever fail to make my life worth. This year birthday, I'm going to celebrate it in Den Haag with these new people and this new environment. There's a moment that I feel sad because I can't celebrate it with my friends and family in Indonesia, but in other side I know that this year is gonna be great. It's just another experience that I won't ever forget and besides I know that all of my friends and family will always love and support me wherever I am (another amazing blessing).

The beautiful Hague's skyline at night.

THEY DARE TO CATCH THE DREAMS

Susan Boyle - I Dreamed a Dream

Sung Bong - Nela Fantasia

I watched these video today  and the only thing I can say is just they are really inspiring people to catch dreams no matter whatever your life's path is! I learn that how hard life treats us and how mean people judges us, there will always a place for us to dream in our lives. Not only dreaming, but also make it happen is the important thing to be achieve.

GGS5E6

Day 27

It's almost been a month since the first day I came here. Not a long time but there are lots of unpredictable things happen. But hey I still survive here, and believe it or not I become more comfortable being here. I start loving the city with its (unpredictable) weather, those beautiful roads, the silence of the night, and some of other things that I found it interesting lately. 

 

(Black Dress H&M, Necklace SIX, tribal ring SIX, stars ring forever21, lace shoes H&M)

"When you said your last goodbye
I died a little bit inside
I lay in tears in bed all night
alone without you by my side
but If you loved me
why did you leave me"

This city (finally) impressed me

I got the point, your point.
I should have known, should have realized.
But I believe in someday,
when a bittersweet story become a memorable thing to be remember.

Like an old saying 'something old, something blue'
For now, I will stay in my blue area.
Peaceful yet so full of dare.
Playful yet still in my safest zone.

 

Walking around the town become one of my hobby right now. Den Haag, yes this city (finally) impressed me these days. Not because its crowd, neither its landscape, but because its peaceful. I found it so nice to just walk around the town alone and seeing the bright blue sky with its cute clouds everywhere. I feel better somehow, even I don't know how long will this hobby gonna lasts. But for now, I think its enough.

I started posting some outfit photos, even just some ordinary clothes, not that dazzling. But I think somehow these days I dressed up expressing how I feel inside. :)

Black and white

Black and white are better than gray

Nothing to worry 'cause it's clear enough to be seen.

 

You don't need to care.

You're doing fine and sorry if I'm not.
I can't promise you anything,
but one thing I can tell that it is hard for me.
 















"Just once I let you go
I won't even say a word
Just twice I lie
I wave my hand and smile brightly
I stay up all night for millions and millions of times
I swear again and I vow again
I will cry and laugh alone
Memories are a beautiful sound of breathing
I thought I could get whatever I want
Even though people say I am a fool
Fear that your eyes will see how sad I am and it may upset you, 
I keep smiling and smiling
The lie I practiced all night feels awkward
The tears I hold back
The tears that end
The tears that choked me
Nobody in this world knows how I feel
I pull myself up once again and accept it with a thank you
You're saying goodbye"

dot

Like other fairytale, everyone for once wishes it could be come true.
But it's just another cycle of life, isn't it?

our very first trip (I AMsterdam)

It was my first weekend in Netherlands, so me and couples of friends decided to go to Amsterdam. We didn't know anything there but one thing we really want to see is the I AMsterdam sign. The weather was quite nice when we went there, so we traveled around to find that sign and voila! we found it. There was a huge park in front of the sign, so we spent the afternoon just laid down on the grass and took some photos to memorize our very first trip here. We also grabbed some patats which means french fries, since Amsterdam's french fries are quite popular, mine is patat with garlic mayo. So here are some photos of it :))

 

Cheese :)

 

Here's the patat!

Sure it was a quite quick trip, but we'll definitely go on another trip and lots of photos are coming up! Yeay! So excited to go and get some more incredible experience :))

I didn't plan for this

A letter for you.

Hey, I'm here. In a different place, far enough I can say. But I'm stuck with the same heart.

Somehow I'm fine, I smile to show you I'm okay, even it can't deceive you. But why do you still ask?

Once I had my story, a painful one. I can't feel, I can't trust, I'm numb. So play me fair, if you do care.

I never ask you this way, to stitch my scar. So don't come closer would be better or I will fall to your dimension.

I apologize if I overact, because I forgot how to react, forgot how a 'tomorrow together' would bring happiness.

So many words I could think about you. Few are my wishes and none I can say it loud.

I just realized, having you around feels nice, too addictive. But a part of this brain tells me that you're just the same, like others.

If only I could say I miss you.